This probably won’t come as a surprise, but on the whole, I’m totally an introvert. I think the introvert versus extrovert thing is a sliding scale, and we all have elements of each in us, so where we all fall is really dependent upon each person. But I know in my heart I’m an introvert. I do fine in a talking to people situation, and I’m generally well liked and considered outgoing, but when it comes to how I recharge myself, it’s alone. Or as alone as you can get when you have three pets.
The last couple of weeks for me have been an extroverts dream, or I assume it would be. I’ve had tons of things going on, from parties to dinners and movies, or helping out with other people’s social engagements. Not to mention some other not fun stuff that I’m not going to go into. What it has really left me with is practically no time to myself, and with no chance to recharge.
The realization of just how bad it’s gotten came last night: I was getting ready to put up my post for “It’s Monday! What are you reading?”, which I put up practically every week. Unless I’m out of town, then I usually skip it. This isn’t a whole lot of effort, partially because I keep track of nearly everything in that post throughout the week, so it’s not like I’m putting together an entire post in one night. So I sat on my couch and thought about how I really needed to finish putting that together and get it scheduled. And then I started to cry, because the idea of grabbing my laptop and getting that all done was so overwhelming at the moment that I just couldn’t do it. I was too worn out to post a blog.
I’m sure we’ve all got our own signs, which we know mean we’re cascading towards that “too much too much!” edge. I was fully aware that mine were there, and that the red flags were becoming larger. I would even go so far as to say that my brain was switching those “Caution!” signs to “Cuidado!!!!”, like it was all “if you’re not going to pay attention in English, maybe you will if I start throwing up other languages!” Metaphorically, of course. In brain talk this went from being tired at 8 PM earlier in the week to other moments of sudden crying, or having to take really deep breaths, all caused by little things that I normally wouldn’t even think anything of.
For me, writing is therapy. Even if I’m not writing about something that is bothering me, the simple act of writing helps me along. The fact that I was just too exhausted to even write was kind of my final straw…I knew then and there that I needed to just take a huge break. So I didn’t post last night, and I stopped worrying about the things I really need to get done. Those things still need to happen, but nothing good is going to come from me when I’m already this worn out. I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially exhausted.
Obviously, I’m slightly better today, but I think that is just knowing that I had to pull my shit together for the work week. Ideally, I would have liked another weekend to recover, but the world doesn’t work that way. What I do foresee is a lot of TV evenings in my schedule this week, and assuming nothing unexpected comes up, I should be mostly fine by the end of the coming weekend.
It took me years to be able to accept this about myself, until well into my 20s. I used to really work myself up into a frenzy, convinced that something was really really wrong with me, which would ultimately make things worse. I’d be stuck in a shame spiral that I couldn’t get out of, and a lot of it was because I would make myself feel guilty for the way that I was. Instead of just taking that time for myself, I would let the expectations of others, perceived or real, guilt me into doing more and more. And internally, I would just be getting worse, until I’d just snap.
I am not yet to snapping point, but close enough that I have to shut out all those other voices and people wanting things of me. Plus I can always tell people I have a new boyfriend and his name is Ti Vo…aka my tivo.
Filed in Life | Tagged: reality