I totally paused!

I feel like my choice to receive this ARC, and consequently read it, might need a little bit of background story.

Since I mentioned previously that I’m not so into self-help books, my reading this may seem strange.  However, alcoholism is something that runs in my family and I decided I wanted to read something that would maybe help me get some insight into the addictions no one wants to talk about, but we all know exist.

For the record, I myself do not have a problem with alcohol (and no, this isn’t denial on my part, hehehe), but I also am very aware that I could.  Statistically speaking, children of alcoholics or drug addicts have a much higher risk of becoming addicts themselves.  And lucky me, both of my parents are at the very least alcoholics.

Because of my desire to have a better life than the one I feel they have had, I made a decision to not be a drinker at all for a really long time.  As I’ve gotten older, I have occasionally had a drink, but have always had limitations because I can feel the alcoholism in me.  I know that I am constantly one bad day away from it, and fortunately I have remained stubborn enough to avoid alcohol on bad days.  But this also means I avoid it on good days, and have to make a point to make no easily opened alcohol in my house when I’m alone.

Anyway, I tell you all this because I want to make it clear that this book was a very personal experience for me.  I read it in less than 24 hours, and really if I added it up, I would say I just spent a couple of hours total reading the book.  I’m not sure if it really was that easy of a read, or if I was just so interested in the subject matter that I found it difficult to put down.

I was near tears on pretty much every page of this book, and I honestly think that if I had been by myself while reading the majority of it, I would have been bawling.  The stories the author told, especially of what happened in her childhood, are ones I am so familiar with.  The feeling of needing to take care of a parent is one I can very much identify with, and something I continually wish children didn’t have to experience.

I was impressed by the authors ability to rehash her drinking to write this book.  I’m sure it’s hard enough to get sober, let alone go through the process of telling the world about it afterwards.  She is someone I wish I knew, so I could help her down her path of sobriety and watch her progress as she continues to get her sobriety “birthday” chips.

One of my favorite parts was when she was able to start thinking she maybe had a problem with drinking.  It was a relief to see that it didn’t take a really horrific experience to get her to this point.  No DUI’s, losing of jobs or family members, no trips to detox.  That in itself says something positive about her, I think.

I wish that my mother had been able to see these problems in herself when I was five.  I’m envious that the authors children are going to be able to grow up with memories of their mother sober, rather than the ones I and countless other adults now have.  Wishing obviously doesn’t change anything, so all I can really say is I’m very proud of the author for being able to do this.

I also really liked that the author never mentions specifically what 12-step program she joined.  Because I am familiar with them, I recognize it and could name it, but I’m of the opinion that there is no right or wrong program.  Whatever gets you sober and keeps you there is right, that’s all that matters.

For me, the moral of this story is that everything takes hard work, there aren’t always perfect endings, but once you make the decision to overcome addiction it becomes much easier.  I genuinely hope all the addicts in my life get to the point where they can finally see their problem and want to change it.  That change can only come from within, and all I can do for them is continue to hope they will some day reach the point where the author did, and see that just *maybe* they might have a problem with alcohol, or whatever their substance of choice is.

Read this book if: You are a child of an addict, think you may have a problem with alcohol, or are in recovery…especially if you feel like you’re going to backslide.  If you don’t have a problem yourself, I can’t promise this book will change your life, but hopefully it will help you understand the people in your life who do have these issues.  And be prepared to cry.

*Special note: I do not believe I am the intended target audience for this book.  I would not have picked it up had it not been an ARC, as I am generally not the self-help type.  Admittedly, I may have done better with it a year ago, but I feel that I made great improvements to my life and took the advice in the book all on my own.  I am not a religious or god kind of person either.  I make this note simply to let you know that my review, while harsh, is coming from a very different perspective than that of the author.

*****

A friend asked me if this book got any better at the end than it was at the beginning.  My response was “It sucked all the way through.”

You know that old adage, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”?  Well, readers, take heed!  It is sound advice, but not in the usual way.  Typically people say it to get you to read a book that looks bad.  In this case, the cover looks super fun and I got tricked.

Admittedly, I judge most ARCs by their covers.  I rarely read info about the book, for two reasons: it may help expand my reading horizons; and I’d like to get as many ARCs as I can.  And now that I think about it, I judge a lot of books by their covers.  You put a ball of yarn or a woman in a fancy dress, petticoat, and corset – you had me at hello.  But as I have mentioned before, I am a sucker for a good historical fiction.

My problems with the book start on the first page, where the author puts a shout out for some old friends.  In the age of google, social networking, and classmates.com, if you can’t find someone, they shouldn’t be found.  Asking for them to contact you in a book is unlikely to work, and just seems weird.  And since the author talks bunches about email and the internet later in the book, I’m confused as to why she did this.

The author also adds all kinds of asides, including things she calls “MOMENT OF TRUTH”, throughout the book.  I am kind of guilty of this sort of thing myself, I put all kinds of unrelated thoughts in things regularly all over this blog, but that’s kind of the point of a blog.  I feel like in a book, there should be more melding, not things that jut out and interrupt the flow of the book.  Or maybe this is how self-help books are?  I’ve never read one before so I am unfamiliar.

Another thing that was difficult for me was all the talk of god in the book, that god is the reason for this and that and you should embrace your god given gifts.  I agree that people should embrace themselves, but as a not god person, I think you should just accept who you are and work to change things you dislike.

Anyway, one of the examples that really stuck out for me was the author telling a story on page 24, where she says she “knows that I know that I know that the sovereign hand of God was on my mother and is on me, and him, and this earth…”  This is said because her son comes home from college and when asked what he wants to drink, he says tea with honey.  Which prompts tears from the author, because her mom gave her tea with honey and when the boys were young, she would give them tea with honey when they were sick.  She thinks this choice of beverage from him is a sign from god.  I flat out don’t buy it.  Tea is a beverage, and honey is a fantastic additive to it.  I drink it myself.  It was given to me as a child, sick or not.  To me, the drinking of this beverage is simply a beverage, and her son likely chooses it because of the association with his childhood rather than anything else.

Also, later on she talks about her other son owning and riding motorcycles, and she herself has owned two motorcycles.  How is drinking tea with honey a sign from god, but owning motorcycles is not?  It’s simply another example of a child growing up with something and choosing to continue with whatever that thing is.

I also feel confused by some of the things the author says to us as the reader, like one aside where she explains that the term “old friends” means long lasting, not actually old in age.  I would hope that anyone reading this book knows this, and if they don’t, I think they need to be attending some classes.

In some ways, I like the stories the author tells, mostly because they bring out the snarky side of me.  One of the stories is about her first meeting with a big wig about writing a book, and she describes herself as wearing a two piece denim outfit.  I really really hope this event took place a decade or more ago…more, actually.  If I am ever caught wearing a two piece denim outfit for reals, please just hit me and run me to the closest department store.  Oh, and the author continually mentions going to the books website for pictures and stuff.  I don’t understand why pictures aren’t included in the book, and don’t intend to go to the website to find out if there’s something else I’m being sold.  But I am kind of hoping there is a picture of this denim outfit.

I really think the author should work on taking some of her own advice from the book, too.  To me, a message of the book is learning to accept yourself and work on things you don’t like.  Yet, the author gets upset with herself for being grumpy at the end of a long day, or for being mad at someone who took advantage of a loved one.  In my opinion, part of accepting yourself is accepting that no one has all good traits…sometimes you’re going to get angry over things.  Sure, maybe you don’t want to be, but sometimes growing as a person is letting that anger flow and learning from it.

For the record, I think it’s perfectly acceptible to be angry at someone who continually takes advantage of someone you love, or to freak out when your dog jumps a fence and you don’t think you’re going to get him back.  And sometimes, to grow and learn, you need to be a little negative and identify the things you don’t like about yourself or your life.  I agree completely that getting stuck in a negative loop is bad news and you should avoid it, but a little introspection is never a bad thing.

And much to my amusement, there is a bit where mystery typing happens from the dog.  To the author, this was god speaking through her dog.  To me, this indicates some food was spilled on the keyboard and puppy took advantage of people being out of the room, so did a good bit of licking.  I’m the recipient of dog and cat typing all the time.  It’s amusing, though a little messy.

One area I can say I very much agree with the author is when she says on page 206 that “whatever” is a great word.  It’s always been one of my favorite words to use, much to the dismay of some people formerly in my life.  To me, whatever is a way to indicate you’re willing to go with the flow, and I am happy to use it whenever necessary.  But, like pretty much everything in the book, I don’t think saying “whatever” is giving things over to god.  Because I just don’t believe in that stuff.

Despite this lengthy and mildly mean criticism of the book, I actually think I would like the author in person.  She’d be a fun neighbor and great person to have around, provided she’s not constantly talking about god.  I love the message of the title, and firmly believe in not missing your life.  I hope that people who read this book can truly wake up and stop missing their lives, regardless of what they believe or feel on a personal level.  And like I said, there may have been other times in my life where I could have desperately needed the message.  But for now, I’m good and definitely not missing my life.

Read this book if: You feel like you need an extra push to either look at your life, or evaluate areas you feel are lacking.  If you think maybe you are missing parts of your life, that it’s just flying by, or that you’re stagnating, it may be the book for you.  And if you’re familiar with the author already, you may like her style and find it suits you better than it did me.