I totally paused!

I know you’re all very excited to learn that Tiffani Amber Thiessen successfully delivered a baby girl this week.  What’s that I hear, you didn’t know?  That’s what I’m here for, to provide you with relevant information about our favorite Bayside alums.

It kind of made me wonder – how many kids do y’all think Zack and Kelly would have by now?  My Saved by the Bell math says:

They got married in 1994
+ Kelly has like 9 siblings
/ Zack is an only child
+ Zack never seemed like the fatherly type
= 2 with a third on the way

Who do you think the kids like better – Uncle Slater or Aunt Jessie?

And since Mario Lopez doesn’t like to take his shirt off, anymore, I give you:

Weeee, the gang is graduating!  Jessie says the last final was really hard, but ummmm, I don’t remember any actual high school finals being difficult.  She claims she’s going to be valedictorian!  Not with that kind of attitude lady!

In the meantime, Zack who scored wicked high on his SATs, is in danger of not graduating.  Apparently he dropped a class in his sophomore year and is one credit short.  I dunno how he managed to get through the rest of school without someone telling him, my high school counselor seemed all over making sure we were ready to go!

Zack devises this scheme to enter the dance recital, thus giving him the one credit he needs to finish school.  All he has to do is dance the lead in the school ballet.  I know I’ve seen this episode before, and I’m pretty sure the girls save his hot pasty ass.  He gets to come on stage in a belly shirt!  Someone is wearing something more revealing than Kelly!!!

Screech brings tears to my eyes, maybe because I’m just a little emotional, by refusing to accept the valedictorian honor since Jessie wants it so badly.  Seriously, I want to cry, this is so sweet.

Anyway, the nerds get the flu, so the ballet is going to be canceled, but Zack luckily has another scheme…get Slater and Screech to dance the other parts!  As it turns out, Slater really is kind of a dance genius.  Hey, he needs to be a genius at something!

Actually, I don’t mind seeing Mario Lopez in that ballet outfit if we’re being honest.

Everyone but Zack is pretty emotional about it being their last day at Bayside.  I’m just emotional about Slater being back in his khaki’s.

Side note: Zack mentions that he’s going to Yale, again on account of that awesome SAT score (I do believe it was like a 1510, but I haven’t rewatched that episode yet).  But then he ends up at UC Bayside or whatever…maybe they explain that?

And then Lisa accidentally spills the beans about Screech being the real valedictorian, so Jessie gets upset about the whole thing.  Jessie is many things, but she’s always pretty fair, and acknowledges Screech in her graduation speech.

I’m as sad about these guys graduating from high school as they are, probably even more teary over this than my own graduation.  Oh, and remember how last post I said they graduated in ’93?  The banner behind their ceremony says “Class of ’93″.  Don’t you wish you remembered this nonsense like I do?

Aww, a senior year episode, aka when Zack looked the hottest!

I’m going to admit that to an extent, I actually love the bright colors they still wore in this show.  The kids graduated in 1993 (for the record, I already knew that and didn’t even look it up…go go my awesome useless memory!), so there were still a lot of 80′s color schemes going on.  I just wish the colors were in a different pattern or something.

But I still hate that there are only about 20 students at this school.  Oh, wait, 19 because we lost Jessie and Kelly but only gained Tori.  Also, I feel pretty bad for Tori because she doesn’t ever get to wear anything but that leather jacket and motorcycle boots.  Does the girl ever change her clothes?

Poor Zack is getting railed on pretty hard for being the schools biggest goof off ever, so he decides to write the school a song by himself, instead of with the group.  Apparently everyone in the school knows how to play the piano, and they’re all fantastic composers.  Seems as though I missed out on this part of life, because I swear I don’t have a musical bone in my body.

Oh! Lisa plays the guitar for the first time in her life!  Also, why does Tori care so much about the Bayside song?  She’s been there two minutes!

So everyone plays their songs over the loudspeaker, and Zack’s is the most popular, natch!  We cut to the halls where everyone is dancing like they are in the 1950′s.  But the seniors vote and Zack and Screech are tied, so they have to perform live and let the seniors vote again.  Zack’s big plan is to simply steal the nerd vote by pretending to date Louise, who is actually not *that* bad looking…

Anyway, the rest of the gang sees Zack kissing Louise, and figure his plan out for once.  They decide to sabotage him, both by changing Screech’s song and giving him lemon water.  His mouth gets all puckered up or whatever, so he can’t sing his song right!  I had no idea that Bayside had a glee club, fyi.

Hold the presses – Tori is wearing something else!  This deserves a special note!

The song that the whole gang writes for Screech ends up being super fabulous, so there’s no question about whether or not it will win. The end of this season was mostly designed to just close out the series.

I know that I kind of rail on Tori, but really, it’s just because of the whole Elizabeth Berkley and Tiffani Amber Thiessen didn’t come back for the final episodes and I liked their characters.  In reality, I quite liked Leanna Creel as Tori, and adore that she seemed to be pretty obviously gay to me all along.  I only wish she was still doing more in TV and movies.

I’m also just going to say that 30 minutes was simply not long enough for this show.  I mean, it’s awesome!  But also, so much happens that they could really use a full hour.  Ah, hindsight.

As one of the 8th grade episodes, this was less fun and more lessony.  Although I must admit that I absolutely love Hayley Mills, I always have.

In this episode, we get to learn about the stock market through the mistakes and deceit of Zack Morris.  The class invests in some airline stock, but because Zack needs $300 to buy a new video camera, he decides to change the stock over to potatoes.  All I can think is mmmm, tasty.

Of course, the market plummets and it’s like this huge disaster.  Miss Bliss gets stuck footing the bill, since the kids bought the stock on margin and she had to make up the difference.  We end with her getting the kids to find new homes for all the potatoes she is suddenly owner of.

While the fashion in the episode isn’t great, it’s pretty average and there aren’t too many noteworthy things.  Zack does wear some bright red high tops, bright enough to make my eyes go wonky – definitely something he would not do in the later years.  Also, Lisa wears the same headband three days in a row, which I doubt she would really do.  I guess this is a little pre-totally shopping Lisa, but still.  She talks about fashion enough that she should know better!

On the whole, kind of boring, and we never even get to see Miss Bliss’ new awesome convertible sports car!  Since she is so worried she’s gonna lose it because of the potato trouble, you think we’d get a glimpse!

Imagine how excited I was to discover that I have nearly all of the College Years episodes, on account of there are like 18 total.  I *also* have the entire Wedding in Las Vegas special, so thank your lucky stars that you will get to hear all about this gem.  Thank the techno gods for DVRs and the wonder they can bring us all.

Okay, so first off, since I have nearly all these, I’m going to watch them in chronological order as much as I can distinguish.  There are just so few that why go out of order!

Zack my dear, you need a different hair style.  Compared to the way Mark-Paul Gosselaar is wearing his hair these days, it’s not bad, but seriously – why the skunk look?  If Lisa Turtle were going to school with you, she would have some questions!  And Pop Tarts for the girl you like?  Wow, should I swoon?

And OMG, a reference to Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts being married!  I do love the pop culture reference here, because I don’t recall a lot of that in the high school run, but my guess is Julia does not wish to be reminded of this time in her life.

I was always curious about the coed dorm thing, does this really happen?

Of course I love that Zack is telling Leslie this terrible story about Kelly’s fate, then she walks in!  Aww, Zack Morris, being around new girls who have no idea what you’re like.  How you must love college.

I’d forgotten how much Screech had grown up by this point, I bet Dustin Diamond haaaaaaaaated being stuck in this damn role!

Oh yeah, to catch up on where we are – it’s the first week of college.  The kids all just got their schedules and are settling into their new life.  Kelly was on the waiting list and moves into the dorm.  Can I just say that they all look a wee bit too old to be first year college students?  Which is weird because these show as having aired at the appropriate time, right after the gang got out of high school.  They just all look like they got a lot older really fast!  So anyway, I think the point of me mentioning this is that Slater has a Folk Arts class in which he’s learning to crochet – as a yarn user myself, I love this, it made me laugh.

Ah the mom jeans on Kelly, awesome!  And I do adore Alex’s outfits, she’s incredible and definitely the kind of girl I would have wanted to be friends with.  I am missing Lisa’s crazy clothes actually…fortunately I have 80 something high school episodes on that blessed DVR.

So Leslie gets irked at Zack for lying about Kelly dying, and tricks him into transferring into terrible classes he thinks she’s in.  Although I have no idea how the white out managed to fool him, but whatevs.  And I’m insulted that all the kids in the Advanced Mandarin Chinese class are all Asian…you would figure that *someone* else would be taking that class.

I love that Kelly, who was so popular and cool in high school, is basically nothing at Cal U.  Despite how silly this show really is, sometimes I think they do a good job at showing you things, like how your life can completely change when you get out of high school and who you are there has no baring on who you are in college and your adult life.

Of course Zack messes up with Leslie and Kelly, and of course they both kick him to the curb, as they should.  But we all know Zack Morris and he has a date by the end of the episode.

It’s a little sad to me that it seems like they were trying to make a Jessie and Lisa out of Leslie and Alex respectively.  I mean, Lisa wasn’t an actor, and Jessie was bossier than Leslie, but they definitely seem to be similar characters.  On the one hand, they wanted to appease the fans.  On the other, it was a great opportunity to branch out and they didn’t take it.  Ah well, what can I expect from teen sitcoms?

I very much prefer the episodes before Jessie and Slater were dating, the tension between them when they don’t make out is more fun than when they make out and fight.

So in this episode, Zack tries one of his money making schemes by starting a phone line for the kids at Bayside to ask for advice.  Cept he and Screech are terrible at it, so they get Lisa to come help.  As in, so bad that Zack tells Kelly’s little sister Nicki to go after the guy she’s in love with…but that guy turns out to be Zack and he’s dating Kelly!  Ru roh!

Things get worse when both Kelly and Nicki call the teen line and Zack accidentally tells the wrong one what he meant to tell the other – so he tells Kelly to dump Zack, and Nicki that he loves her!  What a disaster!  I can tell you that Senior Year Zack would not have done such a stupid thing.

Also, why does Nicki in grade 7 go to the same school as the rest of the gang, who are in 10th grade?

I love the Lisa line “Can the sweet talk, you’re giving me a zit!”  It’s like an early version of the Clueless line about getting a toothache.

Another thing – Zack should have known better than to act like a total dork in front of a 13 year old, of course she’s going to think it’s cool!

Anyway, Zack fires Lisa because she gives such good advice that no one calls the teen line anymore.  Wackiness ensues, of course, and he ultimately has to call her back to help fix the problem.

In the end, everything works out.  Relationships are fixed, Zack and Kelly stay together, Nicki ends up thinking Zack is immature, and the whole school is happy.  All thanks to Lisa Turtle!

This episode starts out with two things – Zack is awesome at running (natch!), and everyone is doing a class project on their ancestors.  Zack, of course, hasn’t done his project yet.  Are you shocked?

Lisa’s grandfather of many greats was a slave, but escaped and helped run the Underground Railroad.  The teacher announces, right then and there in front of the whole class, that Lisa is getting an A!!!!

Jessie doesn’t want to present hers, because she learned that *her* ancestors actually shipped slaves across the ocean.  Typical Jessie, she’s all trying to atone for the errors of other people.  So she follows Lisa around all the time trying to make up for everything.

Zack learns he’s part Native American, although they mostly call it Indians cuz they’re so not PC.  Aaaaaaaand he gets in trouble for not doing his full project, so the teacher threatens to fail him if he doesn’t finish it by the end of the week.  Of course, Zack is a super fabulous track runner, and he has to pass this class to be able to run in the track meet.  I kind of admire these teachers who try to make Zack do his homework, instead of him charming them out of it.

He meets Chief Henry, who teaches him about his heritage and they develop a friendship.  Although I have a hard time buying that Zack Morris is Native American, it’s interesting when the show takes on this serious, educational air.  It’s like they know how crazy the outfits are, so they tone them down for these shows!  Awww, Zack is proud of his heritage, doesn’t it make you want to cry?

To make matters even more sad, Chief Henry suddenly dies.  Because of recent circumstances in my life, I got teary over this, and specifically Kelly asking if there is anything she can do to help.  It’s such a hard question to hear, because no one means any harm, but there’s never anything.  And oh noes! Zack isn’t going to run in the track meet!

Cept he sees Chief Henry in a dream and changes his mind.  We are left to assume he runs and they beat Valley.  I also don’t remember them ever having a track oriented episode again.  It’s funny to me how they just pull out some activity or whatever for one show…of course Slater runs track and is the team captain, but Jessie and Zack both also run!  For a day.

I guess the moral of this episode is learn about your heritage!  And make friends with your tudors.

First, what on earth, Cut Day?  When I was in high school, there was a day when the seniors were customarily out of school, but not everyone!  How did this happen?

I love how everyone “crucial” to the episode always has their locker right by the gang.  Interesting how the lockers are conveniently rotated out so frequently.  I wish I’d had that ability in school!

Normally I don’t have a lot of complaints with Zack’s outfits…they aren’t comment worthy generally speaking.  But I had kind of forgotten the trend of wearing denim jackets with jeans.  Honestly, in some ways I miss it because all I wear are jeans, so it’s not often I get the chance to wear my cute denim jacket.

And I’m amused at the apparent lack of dress code at Bayside, all those midrifts Kelly is wearing!  People in my school could not have gotten away with that!

I love that both Jessie and Slater are all flirty with other people, and at least Slater picks someone cute!  But I am a little sad to see them split up, it was fun to see Slater worried she was gonna kick his ass.

Also, for living near the beach, I’m not sure how so many of these kids are so pale.  What is with the dance Kelly and Slater are doing?  Did people really still do the swim in the early 90′s?

To be honest, I didn’t remember this episode, so I think it’s possible we found one I haven’t seen before!  Which is kind of amazing because I saw so much of this show years ago, I really thought I had seen them all!

Holy Lisa’s outfit!  I wasn’t aware that it was possible to put THAT MANY colors all together in one outfit.  Sometimes I forget how long ago these episodes were filmed…and then I look at Slater’s MC Hammer pants and I remember.  It’s funny to realize how much TV budgets have grown – no way would these shabby clothes be on people in shows these days.

And smoking on a show!  Wow, before the days of anti-smoking campaigns!

I have kind of had an obsession with murder mysteries my whole life, and I am now suspecting this episode might be responsible for it.  Does anyone else feel like this damn show is responsible for things in their life?

I think I only saw this episode once before.  I remembered that Lisa was in on the whole plot, but didn’t remember how it all ended.  This was actually one of the better episodes, kind of involved and funny, although a little too much Screech.  One of the ones that I thought should probably have been an hour instead of the usual 30 minutes.

Oh, and Lisa’s second outfit is *almost* as bad as the first one.  Those multi-colored sleeves just killed me, I wish I could find a picture to show y’all because it was priceless!

Surprise surprise, Zack falls for an older girl and lies that he’s in college!  Actually, the surprise is that she doesn’t figure it out, or at least pretends that she doesn’t.

The fashion in this episode, once again, is dreadful.  Slater wearing a bolo tie?  Ugh!  The kind of suits they wear to The Attic?  Yikes!  And Danielle, poor thing, is wearing a flower print dress.

I’m kind of surprised that there wasn’t more of a “fake ID’s are bad” message to this episode.  It made it look easy to have one!  Screech made 6 with no problem at all!  Zack was in trouble with his mom, but why didn’t anyone contact at least the club manager or the bouncers?

The sub-plot of Kelly’s boyfriend Jeff cheating on her was a little anti-climactic.  That’s the kind of thing that, were it made today, would have been carried over several episodes.  I don’t really get why people are always going behind Kelly’s back anyway – she’s cute enough, is she just that innocent they feel they can trick her?

It’s always interesting to me when one of the parents show up on the show too.  It seems like Lisa’s mom is seen more often than any of the rest of their parents.  It’s a little reminiscent of the BSC books, those parents are so absent!